Dear Curling Santa: I Need a Hype Video

Dear Santa:

I swear I have been a good boy this year.

I have significantly reduced my amount of swearing and broom-banging from last year. I always offer a drink to the opposing skip. I pretend to not be angry when someone on my team misses a shot. I have been a good natured and generous teammate. I play my games within the allotted time. And sometimes I even clean my ancient gripper before going on the ice.

In short, I have been good, or at least good enough to not be on the naughty curlers’ list. So I have a few requests for you to leave under my tree – or at the curling club, whichever is easier.

• Santa, I need you to teach me how to gamble on sports. I used to be able to watch curling and other sports and just enjoy them but through the magic of sports betting, online casinos and the constant barrage of incredibly shitty AI-generated ads I see 47 times per hour, I have come to realize that I need to be engaging in in-game parlays and hedging with the over-under to truly appreciate sport.

I figure I can just use my kids’ education fund to start betting, but I sure could use a couple of hot tips, Santa. What is the spread on the Reindeer Games this year? Any insider scoop on who is leading the sleigh?

• Perhaps while you are delivering presents, you can bring some joy to the Canadian teams playing in the Grand Slams. So many of them now resemble workers at a nine-to-five job. I sometimes feel it would be more interesting watching an accountant work on a spreadsheet.

That’s what made watching the Olympic Trials so exciting. You actually felt the tension and could see the joy of winning and the agony of defeat. It mattered.

• After watching the hype video for the Rock League coming next year, Santa, I believe I need a hype video and a new fancy team logo.

I mean, before last week I didn’t even know that there was a Frontier Curling Club with horses, or that there were Typhoons, or Shields, and now I feel like I need to order a hoodie and a hat. I have no idea what any of this means, or why I would be compelled to watch it, but I’m also smart enough to know that I’m not the target market.

But Santa, if you could make up a fancy logo for Team Fournier, we will rename ourselves as something cool like “The Ice Dragons Curling Club” and we will gladly sell the merch on our team’s Facebook page!  

• For Toronto-area golf and curling clubs, i.e. country clubs, maybe you can drop off a stocking full of turds for the grumpy golfers who continue to drive curling off their land in the name of adding space for such valuable assets as golf simulators or indoor golf cart parking.

I’m hearing that curlers at Mississauga Golf and Country Club and The Thornhill Club are now facing bad situations, similar to those of their former friends at Scarborough, St. George’s, Weston, Bayview and others – great curling facilities that had the misfortune of being attached to a golf club.

I always thought golfers and curlers were supposed to get along, but in the Greater Toronto Area it has now become the trend for the snooty rich golfers to jack up fees or simply vote the curlers out of existence.

Santa, give us some peace and wisdom here.   

• Last but not least, Santa, the Ontario’s men’s provincial – seeking the Trillium – is coming up soon, and a trip to the Brier in Newfoundland in March would work nicely under my tree for me and my friends on Team Fournier. I’d like to remind you we have been extra, extra nice.

• Actually, Santa, forget about the whole logo thing I just asked for earlier. I used Artificial Intelligence to generate a fancy new team brand.

Sorry big guy… even your Christmas magic is not beyond AI replacement.